Tattling at School: The Fine Line
Between Good and Bad "Telling"

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Question:
My classroom has a rule against excessive tattling in school. Recently, I have encountered issues in which a student felt physically or emotionally threatened, but didn't tell me so as not to violate the rule.

How do I help the students understand what is appropriate and what is not?

Answer:
Great question! Sometimes the tattletales at school do get out of hand, don't they?

I can see you worked hard to limit the disruptions in your classroom. Now you just need to tweak it a little. You have a teachable moment on your hands! Use it!

But first...

So back to our questioner's situation...

I would ask the student you described if it is okay if you use the situation to help the entire class learn the difference between tattling and telling. Have a class meeting where you share several different examples of each. Have the student contribute their own examples.

Ask students why they think you don't allow them to tattle in class. I'm sure they are well aware. Prompt them if needed.

Here's one reason they may not come up with: It sets them up to be a target. Becoming known as the class "tattle-tail" will open them up to ridicule.

And here's another they won't think of, because it comes from the teacher's point of view: I takes time away from learning.

After getting student input, use the aforementioned student's situation as an example of when telling would be appropriate.

Bottom line: If physical or emotional safety is threatened, that's when you tell.

Discuss how the student felt. Invite students' reflections on the situation. Give students some other possible scenarios and have them decide which category they fall under.

Then set expectations for the whole class on this topic. If a student engages in it, they need to take responsibility for it (you can decide this based on your management plan for your classroom). If you are using some kind of behavior point system, you can have students take one responsibility point for every incident.

Have another classroom meeting within a couple weeks to revisit the issue. Take time to celebrate the positive changes as well as time to tweak the system as you see fit.

The Chronic Tattler

"And the next item concerns
Jacob's behavior at recess..."

Most students do understand when to speak up and when to remain silent, especially after you talk through a class meeting on the topic.

But every year, you'll have at least one who simply can't stop, even though it undermines his friendships and starts to turn other students against him. It can become a very self-destructive cycle.

With these kids, it's time to dig a little deeper. You may find:

• Exaggerated desire for attention

• Deep-seated sense of persecution..."the world is so unfair" syndrome (aka "poor me")

• Compensation syndrome (When things are out of control in one area of a student's life, sometimes they attempt to over-control other areas)

• Social immaturity...a common affliction in elementary school (remember?)

Scenario:

James came in upset after every lunch recess, complaining bitterly that certain other boys were not following the rules about responding to the recess bell. He would explain in detail how he yelled at them to put the soccer balls away and line up, but they ignored him.

We talked it through several times. I had to get him to verbalize why he was putting himself in the role of rule enforcer. It came down to his need to control at least one area of his life...dad lived out of town, mom was getting remarried. Neither of these things fit James' internal rules for how life is supposed to work so he started enforcing rules elsewhere. Kids started avoiding him - not a good scenario.

This was definitely a self-defeating cycle. After talking it through a couple times, it almost came down to a "repeat-after-me" exercise:

"It is not your job to enforce the playground rules. All you have to do is follow the rules. The playground supervisors can handle the rest of the kids in the way they see fit."

Repeat daily for a week.

Betsy's Video Tips: Managing Classroom Tattling

Summing up

The critical thing to understand is that a chronic offender will not easily understand the difference between tattling in class and telling...in their mind, everything is appropriate telling and a generalized class discussion won't help; they think it doesn't apply to their situation.

You must work with them one-on-one for each of their particular scenarios to help them understand what it means in the context of their little world. It does take time, but getting this impulse under control is critical for their social development and long-term relationships with other students.

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